Decree Archive

“Pret subscription holders now qualify as critical infrastructure.”

“The Central line has been officially declared emotionally unavailable.”

“Shoreditch coffees above £6 now require planning permission.”

“All pigeons in Trafalgar Square must carry valid Oyster cards effective immediately.”

“Zone 2 landlords charging £2,400 for a cupboard must now include at least one working hob.”

“Standing on the left side of the escalator is now a deportable offence.”

“The Northern line has been renamed the Existential Crisis Express.”

“Complaining about the weather is now classified as a protected London tradition.”

“Anyone who says 'it's giving village' about Clapham will be fined £50.”

“Eating a meal deal on the Tube at 8am is now considered a cry for help.”

“Hackney Wick warehouses must declare whether they are a bar, a gallery, or a church.”

“Saying 'shall we get brunch?' before noon on a Sunday now requires a licence.”